love

so i've been thinking a lot about dream relationships. like the ones you imagined when you were young. like that perfect confession of love from a perfect stranger whom you only admired. until one day in an immaculately romantic way, he walks up to you and confesses that you are his heart's desire and you have the most perfect kiss. and all the while, the world stands still and nothing else matters. or that friend who you never knew you were in love with until one day you both realize you're absolutely perfect for one another and he proposes. you know, stuff like that. stuff that brings people to box offices and keeps them tuning into their favorite show with that ever popular, "will they, won't they" storyline. i've been wondering if that really exists. or is there just too much reality in reality to ever hope for something like that. like there is always something to hold us back. or some sort of "but" that ruins the perfection of the scene. or do people really follow that timeline of meeting, having a perfect relationship, he proposes, they get married and they have 50 beautiful years together?

i've always dreamed of that. really my old fantasy was to marry my high school sweetheart. it just seemed so perfect. finding your soulmate at 17. first kisses, first sex, first love. every first wrapped up and experienced with one person. it all seemed so romantic. nothing to taint your feelings. no reason not to fall feverishly into love with them. no holds barred. that kind of love seemed so pure to me. no one to compete with, no one that they have ever shared anything special with besides you. their heart had never been opened or broken by someone else. but is that really true? could it be construed as they dont know any better? the fact that there is nothing to compete with or compare to could actually go against the fact that it's pure and true? does even the purest seeming love have a "but"?

is it our job to find the magic in those horribly real relationships? to find the romance in dating a divorcee with a 3 year old? or those days when you barely speak to each other because you've been working all day to pay the bills and are dead tired? to find romance in joint bank accounts and mortgage payments? to find the romance in fighting over what to fix for dinner or whose parents house to go to this year for christmas? to find romance without the soundtrack in the background? without the music swelling to tell you when to say 'awww'? finding romance in the fact that your boyfriend isn't john cusack holding a stereo outside your window? the point is, do we have to find the romance in the little things? is it like a magic eye puzzle where you have to change the way you look at things to find the big picture? is the magic not always obvious? or if it's not obvious then is it not really worth it? or not even there? or are there romantic moments all relative? like in this "the good life" song he describes him and his wife's first meeting. he was throwing up in the ladies room at a bar when she first seems him. he spats out a clever line and that was it. now, generally that would sound gross. "what? he was puking???" but the way he describes it with the beautiful music behind it, it fills me with a sense of magic. a sense of real romance. where he somehow pulled at my heartstrings with a story about vomit just with the way he told it. the fact that i knew they fell in love after that meeting made it all the better. but does it always have to be hindsight or can you truly enjoy such moments in the moment?

but what if there's never that moment where you feel like that singular beautiful person to who you love? where you feel it for a moment but as fast as it appears, something steals it away. and the feeling of it being ripped out is not worth looking for it anymore. what if there's just constantly things you have to accept and you can't escape it. you never have a choice in your happiness. you're not allowed to be purely happy. there's always someone telling you this wilted flower and stale chocolates romance is all you can hope to get. is this really all there is? searching song lyrics to find that line to completely explain how you feel, stop your panicking and make you feel better and not so alone. like someone else has felt this exact same emotion so it doesn't seem so crazy or unnatural. is it time to leave when these things happen? when your desire to even find romance again or even that it exists at all is completely stripped away? what if every question i've asked is a waste of time because you can't find romance in anything because there's no such thing. no one cares about you. you're not the singular anything to anyone. you just have to accept the fact that you're an apparition. you can disappear just as fast as you appeared. that things mean something in moments only. brief moments that are forgotten and lost the second something better comes along. or something goes wrong.

what if those romantic comedy movies are leaving key elements out of the mix? just to trick poor young kids into thinking that this is how it's going to be the second you're an adult. that everything good about childhood and everything good about adulthood will mesh into the perfect blend of adult privileges and childlike innocence and newness. that holding hands will always be the most exciting thing to do. that butterflies will always creep up into your stomach when you see that special someone. the funny thing is, that special someone is always s staple. its an understood. however, finding that someone is a big "if" to begin with. strangely in these stories that part seems to be easy and effortless. it's setting the scene around that person that seems to get the most attention. when really that scene is fleeting and deceitful. that special someone deserves more development and attention. that special someone's flaws are going to matter more than deciding whether its pouring down rain when the two lovers have their first kiss.

what gets me is the emphasis on love being able to change someone. a person who really is despicable at heart can, in theory, or as taught in the movies, can change simply by finding the right girl or guy. love seems to be able to break through even the biggest barriers. like it's a virus that makes people crazy and do things that they would never do. including changing for the better. when the reality is, it's pain that changes people. it changes people more often and more permenently. because the supposed love that changes people is really the delirious infautation and the naivete of the lovers who believe it. they believe this is different. they found the one who won't hurt them. this is it. they are the most perfect person to their loved one. really, it's always different. but the "always different" should really convince the person that everything is the same. everything comes full circle.