On Being the Step Parent

I've been thinking a lot about step parenting and what it means to different people. In One Tree Hill (it's okay to laugh that I'm referring to this as an actual example for anything), Peyton, who is in love with a single dad seems to embrace being a potential step mom in the most positive ways. She is so happy just to be with Jake and to have him there even if they get interrupted or he leaves her for months because of his daughter. I do not know how that would be possible really. But I can really relate to how she felt about Jake's daughter, Jenny. Aside from what the kid indirectly causes, after spending so much time with this child, you're bound to get attached.

That's one of the hardest parts of being a step parent or potential step parent. You run the gammet of emotions from wanting to be 100% there for your step child to running screaming for the hills because you feel rejected and on the outside. Often times, I wanted to be as important and involved as a bio parent. I wanted to be the one he called for in the middle of the night, the one who put the band aid on his knee, the one he asks for help and the one whose hand he holds to cross the street. Because you know those things mean as much to them as they do to you. I felt such joy when the three of us connected together like a family. When the laughter and fun were shared by all of us. But it was hard because as much as you wanted to be as important and comforting and joy inducing as their real parent, the child will never feel 100% the same. So it never felt right to feel those things. Especially if you felt rejected by the child because when they fell down and got hurt, they didn't run to you. I remember the worst days on the weekends with them were the times when I felt step child and I weren't connecting, for whatever reason. When he didn't want to hug me as much and didn't want me to sit on the floor and play with him as much as his dad. It actually had nothing to do with the way Hudson acted. He treated me basically the same every weekend. And I would never EVER admit that. I'd just withdraw and I would never tell anyone that those things actually were the reason for me feeling bad. Because it's so stupid, right? You're not their parent and you never will be, so just being a buddy should be good enough. And that kind of thinking will also lead you to run. It's that fear that you already are pretty sure you're second in the hearts of your mate and you'll be third at best in the heart of your step child. So where does that leave you? What are you? Who are you? You're not anybody. You're a substitute in every way. You're not mom, you're step mom. You're not the wife, you're the second wife. It starts to hurt because there's so many things you want to be to everyone who is special to you in your life and you can't achieve any of them. No matter how many peanut butter and jelly sandwiches you make, bedtime stories you read, or tearful hugs. And to your mate, you can never be good enough for them either. You could be perfect and still be nothing compared to the light that shines in their eyes for their kid. It's so sad and it's so scary. Because you want the joy of when things are good to last forever. That joy that made you change your mind about what you previously wanted. I never wanted a family, but being in one made me want one. I wanted to make one with them. And I actually entertained the idea of having my own kids. Our own kids. And believe me, it shocked me the most to think that I firmly believed I never wanted that, and all of a sudden I couldn't wait to have a family of our own. Crazy right? But it won't ever happen. Because my fears were realized. I really was an outsider. Not that I'm surprised.

But I guess now I have a clearer picture of what I really want out of life. Maybe kids aren't so bad. Maybe you don't have to hate your husband or wife just cause you have them. Cause the love you had for your husband or wife is what created those children. Or maybe I'm wrong, I dunno. I may never find out. Hopefully a house full of cats will do.

Importance

I get very excited when I think about one day being important to someone. I'm really looking forward to it. My life has been so devoid of me feeling like I matter more than everything else for like years. I wanna feel like more than just wallpaper. I think some guys are just like that though. They can be wonderful friends and employees and excellent fathers, but to them their wives or girlfriends don't need to be any more than like a painting on the wall to them. It's a beautiful painting that he appreciates and admires most of the time. He passes by it every day, sees it out of the corner of his eye, and sometimes will stop and look at it. Stops to really appreciate it and take it in. But when he doesn't feel like doing that, it's still there, but unnoticeable, hanging on the wall waiting for the next time he feels like looking at it. And some women are content with being that. But I'm positive that I'm not. I feel like I've missed out on lots of things in the past few years. I spent my time watching my self esteem disappear when I could have mattered.
He just doesn't have it in him. He doesn't see girlfriends the way I see boyfriends. He can pour everything he has into his work or his hobbies. And sit for an hour with his son on his lap totally engrossed in coloring with crayons. And I really don't think he's ever been that locked into me; cared that much about what I wanted to do and was totally involved with just me. Not looking at the clock or checking his phone for messages from someone else, or packing up his things to leave. But I do know that there are guys out there who see partners the way I do. I'm certain of it. I've had it before. And it was nice having that security that if I needed something or if there was something important to me that I wanted to do, he'd be there for it. And I wouldn't always be the one who got pushed aside for something better.
I'm so sick of hearing just empty words. Telling someone they're important and then doing things that prove the complete opposite of what you're saying and get angry when they don't believe you? Makes no sense. Either you're a liar and you think I'm stupid enough to believe words without anything to back them up, or you're just clueless about women or me in particular. Or maybe it's just the whole disconnection of him wanting me to just be a painting when I want to be more than that. Like for example, I should be happy and GRATEFUL when he wants to take me to the aquarium when he could take his kid cause "he would really like it"; meaning I should be grateful to get things normal girlfriends get automatically because he has a kid and of course his kid should get first crack at things like that. I should never expect to get anything first because he has a kid. So if I happen to get something, I should thank my lucky stars because he decided to give me something instead of his kid. So now it's a sacrifice to do things with me. Hanging out with me and going places with me was ALWAYS a BIIIIIG sacrifice to him that I should have been grateful for. Nobody else had to be grateful for what they got cause they deserved it. But I didn't for some reason. I was always called unappreciative and ungrateful when I didn't believe I was important because I occasionally got what normal girlfriends got. So us doing normal things like going out to dinner or taking a walk or going to a movie was this big sacrifice when in the real world of normal healthy relationships, this is normal every day stuff couples do with each other. It's just life together. Everything is not something to be extremely grateful for.

I thought of something to add to my list:

44. Take care of me when I'm sick.

The List

I will probably revise this or add to it in future posts, but here's what I have so far,
Not in order of importance:

1. Vegan
2. Smoker
3. No serious baggage (Kids, previous marriages)
4. Wears clothes I think are cool
5. Great smile
6. Has dreams that include me
7. Simple life; cool job, flexible schedule, weekends free, etc
8. Good listener
9. Similar taste in music to me
10. Likes Rocky movies and Roseanne
11. Isn't a giant dork
12. Likes poetry
13. Emotional (shows emotion, not afraid to cry, gets upset when there's things to be upset about, seems sad when I'm gone, tells me he misses me, etc.)
14. Holds my hand
15. Loves animals and thinks kittens and puppies are cute and wants to pick up stray animals he sees on the road and says "awww" when he sees road kill.
16. Same political beliefs
17. Good in bed
18. Thinks my jokes are funny
19. Likes what I cook
20. Likes to be a homebody (rent movies, eat junk food, just hang out together)
21. Straight teeth
22. Has good parents that I really like and get along with who support our relationship
23. Gets along with my family
24. Has pictures of me on his fridge/screensaver/wallet/desk, you get the idea
25. There when I need him-Calls me when I tell him I'm having a bad day, asks me to come over when he can tell I need him
26. Makes me feel safe and protected
27. Makes me feel like his top priority
28. Makes time for me even when it's inconvenient, occasionally will blow someone ELSE off to hang out with me.
29. Tells me he loves me every day
30. Calls me/texts me even when he's busy
31. Likes to spend the holidays with me
32. Makes me laugh til my stomach hurts all the time
33. Makes me feel totally comfortable with him. Thinks my retardedness is cute
34. Will go with me to get my oil changed, helps me pump gas, opens doors for me, etc.
35. Doesn't drink excessively
36. Looks good naked
37. Honest
38. At least once will throw rocks at my bedroom window in the middle of the night to surprise me. (Or to say sorry after a fight, you know, whatever is cute)
39. Tells me I'm pretty in the morning.
40. Likes spending the day in bed sometimes
41. Brings me flowers.
42. Thinks cooking dinner together is super fun.
43. The usuals: Thoughtful, considerate, kind, patient, empathetic

Today was one of the hardest days I've had in a really long time. I just got so depressed I really didn't feel like I could go on anymore. It was bad. I wanted someone to be there but there wasn't anyone. And when I really thought about it, I knew no one could make it better. I haven't had a day like this in a long time. Maybe even years. It was such a struggle to get up off the bed. I had too much to do though. But all I wanted to do was be under the covers and sleeping. I really felt like there was nothing in my future. Not like I was going to die, but like time would just stop and I'd disappear. Like what people thought would happen if you ventured to the end of the earth when they thought it was flat. I was so afraid. But so numb at the same time. I think I laid on my bed for an hour just staring at a television that wasn't even on. I don't think I've ever felt so alone in my whole life. And for the first time in a long time, I was not alright with that feeling. Being along to me usually represents safety and control which comforted me. But today it was the complete opposite. I didn't feel safe with myself. I was scared of my own feelings and what I might do. It threw me.

I really don't know what to do with myself. I don't know what to do with this hand I've been dealt. What am I supposed to do? Should I get on with my life and just forget the last few years? I thought I could do that but I'm not so sure anymore. I felt so okay until now. I'm really good at blocking my feelings when I want to. But I know deep down that they're going to surface any day now. And I'm going to be in the non-functional pathetic phase of all this. And yes, I will cry, and whine, and try to reach out to him in ways I never have before out of sheer desperation. The phase where you're not yourself. You're just a raw nerve; exposed, but you don't even care. I don't want to be there. Cause that's when your life is out of your control until you come out on the other side. Some people would say the other side is you getting over it and moving on. The other side where you're okay and you've made peace with it all. I'm not so sure that's what my other side is going to be.

I never thought that freedom would feel so suffocating. Yeah, I'm angry. I'm not sure why this keeps happening. I guess it's me. Or maybe it's them. Or maybe it's just bad luck. I'm so scared. I feel like right now I'm comfortably treading water but soon I'm going to sink and start drowning and there won't be anyone to pull me out. I feel close to death all the time. Right now the sun is going down and it feels like it's never going to come up again. Like this is a movie and it's fading to the credits. And the theater is full of people crying.

I keep hearing that nothing is a waste of time. That you learn from every experience. All I seem to learn that I'm not good enough, I try too hard, and that this feeling of running on a treadmill while everyone else runs a race will never go away. I want to forget it all. I want to forget that this ever happened. I want to erase the past 7 years completely. I want to start from the day before I saw his perfect face. And to take my life in a completely different direction. I've trashed or deleted everything that ever meant anything to me. No pictures, or gifts, or letters, or songs remain. There's no point in listening to the songs anymore. Who wants to replay blatant lies and shallow feelings over and over? Who wants to be reminded that you once were ensconced in a big fake production entitled "Your relationship".

I hate myself for being here. I hate myself for letting myself fall for this. I hate myself for answering that first email, for answering the text messages, for not running away that first day. I hate myself for once again thinking this person would be in my life forever. I did it again. I don't know why I feel so strong yet I believe so easily that someone will always be there? That they'll stay? Especially after all I've been through. I guess my experiences really didn't teach me anything. On the other hand, I guess I really did know that he'd do this. I always told him I knew. He always countered my feelings. I always temporarily felt reassured but it faded quickly. I guess my instincts were sharp and I knew something that I didn't know.

I want to take back so much. Every I love you, every kiss, every fuck. I want it all back. Every shard of my heart. I want it back. It seems like I have no heart left. I feel like a hollow, meaningless person. Which scares me. Because how do you replace your heart? You only get one right?

I remember one day while standing in our closet picking out a shirt or something and I secretly thanked God that I never again would feel the pain of someone leaving me. I wouldn't feel again the way I had felt before. That horrible blow of a break up. I was thankful I had found someone who I "knew" I'd be with a long time if not forever. That we wouldn't cry over losing each other. I hate when I'm wrong. I hate when I have moments where I am not strong and they blow up in my face. Now, I'm here. Where I have to go on long drives by myself in the car because I don't want my parents to hear me cry. That audible cry where you can't quietly sniff in the darkness where no one will know. But where you literally cry like a baby that just fell down. Where they are crying silently with their whole body until finally they left out the saddest, loudest sob. All I want is to cry in his arms. Have him hold me while I bury myself in his chest and just cry without thinking. Letting it all out. Just like a little kid. I never did that no matter how many times I wanted to. There's so many things I wanted to but never did because I was scared. I didn't get what I wanted because I never asked. Or I never let go enough to just be me, exposed.

I'll get over it. I always do. It just takes time, right? You just take it day by day and it does get worse before it gets better until one day you're okay. You can see them with the new girlfriend and you wonder only for a split second why it couldn't be you. But then it goes away as quickly as it came on. And you look over at the new guy who smiles that smile that begins the next few years of believing that this is the one you'll be worth it to.

I like something!

So I saw Iron Man last night and I actually really really liked it. Who knew that Robert Downey Jr could be so annoyingly charming? I coulda used more Jon FATvreau though. I assumed I would hate it, because I hate most things and I usually let it be known to anyone around. So much so that people know me as the girl who hates everything. I'm very opinionated about everything from books to music to movies to hobbies, you name it. And it's definitely to a fault. Because I find myself wishing that I would just like something already because hating everything is not really that fun. So, I was very pleased and pleasantly surprised I liked it so much especially since I figured I would have to console myself with thoughts of "well at least I didn't pay for it" as soon as the credits rolled. Although, the parts following Jeff Bridges making his own giant metal suit was a little tiny bit lame. For a minute I was like, "Hey, isn't Shia LaBeouf in this movie? Oh wait, this isn't Transformers." And it got a little hard not to laugh when everytime I saw Jeff's big suit, I immediately thought about the Michelin man. But all in all I pretty much loved it. I still will NOT see Indiana Jones though. I liked Iron Man, but I still refuse to give one red cent to that Steven Spielberg character. I mean, I liked Iron Man, but i'm still me after all.

love

so i've been thinking a lot about dream relationships. like the ones you imagined when you were young. like that perfect confession of love from a perfect stranger whom you only admired. until one day in an immaculately romantic way, he walks up to you and confesses that you are his heart's desire and you have the most perfect kiss. and all the while, the world stands still and nothing else matters. or that friend who you never knew you were in love with until one day you both realize you're absolutely perfect for one another and he proposes. you know, stuff like that. stuff that brings people to box offices and keeps them tuning into their favorite show with that ever popular, "will they, won't they" storyline. i've been wondering if that really exists. or is there just too much reality in reality to ever hope for something like that. like there is always something to hold us back. or some sort of "but" that ruins the perfection of the scene. or do people really follow that timeline of meeting, having a perfect relationship, he proposes, they get married and they have 50 beautiful years together?

i've always dreamed of that. really my old fantasy was to marry my high school sweetheart. it just seemed so perfect. finding your soulmate at 17. first kisses, first sex, first love. every first wrapped up and experienced with one person. it all seemed so romantic. nothing to taint your feelings. no reason not to fall feverishly into love with them. no holds barred. that kind of love seemed so pure to me. no one to compete with, no one that they have ever shared anything special with besides you. their heart had never been opened or broken by someone else. but is that really true? could it be construed as they dont know any better? the fact that there is nothing to compete with or compare to could actually go against the fact that it's pure and true? does even the purest seeming love have a "but"?

is it our job to find the magic in those horribly real relationships? to find the romance in dating a divorcee with a 3 year old? or those days when you barely speak to each other because you've been working all day to pay the bills and are dead tired? to find romance in joint bank accounts and mortgage payments? to find the romance in fighting over what to fix for dinner or whose parents house to go to this year for christmas? to find romance without the soundtrack in the background? without the music swelling to tell you when to say 'awww'? finding romance in the fact that your boyfriend isn't john cusack holding a stereo outside your window? the point is, do we have to find the romance in the little things? is it like a magic eye puzzle where you have to change the way you look at things to find the big picture? is the magic not always obvious? or if it's not obvious then is it not really worth it? or not even there? or are there romantic moments all relative? like in this "the good life" song he describes him and his wife's first meeting. he was throwing up in the ladies room at a bar when she first seems him. he spats out a clever line and that was it. now, generally that would sound gross. "what? he was puking???" but the way he describes it with the beautiful music behind it, it fills me with a sense of magic. a sense of real romance. where he somehow pulled at my heartstrings with a story about vomit just with the way he told it. the fact that i knew they fell in love after that meeting made it all the better. but does it always have to be hindsight or can you truly enjoy such moments in the moment?

but what if there's never that moment where you feel like that singular beautiful person to who you love? where you feel it for a moment but as fast as it appears, something steals it away. and the feeling of it being ripped out is not worth looking for it anymore. what if there's just constantly things you have to accept and you can't escape it. you never have a choice in your happiness. you're not allowed to be purely happy. there's always someone telling you this wilted flower and stale chocolates romance is all you can hope to get. is this really all there is? searching song lyrics to find that line to completely explain how you feel, stop your panicking and make you feel better and not so alone. like someone else has felt this exact same emotion so it doesn't seem so crazy or unnatural. is it time to leave when these things happen? when your desire to even find romance again or even that it exists at all is completely stripped away? what if every question i've asked is a waste of time because you can't find romance in anything because there's no such thing. no one cares about you. you're not the singular anything to anyone. you just have to accept the fact that you're an apparition. you can disappear just as fast as you appeared. that things mean something in moments only. brief moments that are forgotten and lost the second something better comes along. or something goes wrong.

what if those romantic comedy movies are leaving key elements out of the mix? just to trick poor young kids into thinking that this is how it's going to be the second you're an adult. that everything good about childhood and everything good about adulthood will mesh into the perfect blend of adult privileges and childlike innocence and newness. that holding hands will always be the most exciting thing to do. that butterflies will always creep up into your stomach when you see that special someone. the funny thing is, that special someone is always s staple. its an understood. however, finding that someone is a big "if" to begin with. strangely in these stories that part seems to be easy and effortless. it's setting the scene around that person that seems to get the most attention. when really that scene is fleeting and deceitful. that special someone deserves more development and attention. that special someone's flaws are going to matter more than deciding whether its pouring down rain when the two lovers have their first kiss.

what gets me is the emphasis on love being able to change someone. a person who really is despicable at heart can, in theory, or as taught in the movies, can change simply by finding the right girl or guy. love seems to be able to break through even the biggest barriers. like it's a virus that makes people crazy and do things that they would never do. including changing for the better. when the reality is, it's pain that changes people. it changes people more often and more permenently. because the supposed love that changes people is really the delirious infautation and the naivete of the lovers who believe it. they believe this is different. they found the one who won't hurt them. this is it. they are the most perfect person to their loved one. really, it's always different. but the "always different" should really convince the person that everything is the same. everything comes full circle.