Importance

I get very excited when I think about one day being important to someone. I'm really looking forward to it. My life has been so devoid of me feeling like I matter more than everything else for like years. I wanna feel like more than just wallpaper. I think some guys are just like that though. They can be wonderful friends and employees and excellent fathers, but to them their wives or girlfriends don't need to be any more than like a painting on the wall to them. It's a beautiful painting that he appreciates and admires most of the time. He passes by it every day, sees it out of the corner of his eye, and sometimes will stop and look at it. Stops to really appreciate it and take it in. But when he doesn't feel like doing that, it's still there, but unnoticeable, hanging on the wall waiting for the next time he feels like looking at it. And some women are content with being that. But I'm positive that I'm not. I feel like I've missed out on lots of things in the past few years. I spent my time watching my self esteem disappear when I could have mattered.
He just doesn't have it in him. He doesn't see girlfriends the way I see boyfriends. He can pour everything he has into his work or his hobbies. And sit for an hour with his son on his lap totally engrossed in coloring with crayons. And I really don't think he's ever been that locked into me; cared that much about what I wanted to do and was totally involved with just me. Not looking at the clock or checking his phone for messages from someone else, or packing up his things to leave. But I do know that there are guys out there who see partners the way I do. I'm certain of it. I've had it before. And it was nice having that security that if I needed something or if there was something important to me that I wanted to do, he'd be there for it. And I wouldn't always be the one who got pushed aside for something better.
I'm so sick of hearing just empty words. Telling someone they're important and then doing things that prove the complete opposite of what you're saying and get angry when they don't believe you? Makes no sense. Either you're a liar and you think I'm stupid enough to believe words without anything to back them up, or you're just clueless about women or me in particular. Or maybe it's just the whole disconnection of him wanting me to just be a painting when I want to be more than that. Like for example, I should be happy and GRATEFUL when he wants to take me to the aquarium when he could take his kid cause "he would really like it"; meaning I should be grateful to get things normal girlfriends get automatically because he has a kid and of course his kid should get first crack at things like that. I should never expect to get anything first because he has a kid. So if I happen to get something, I should thank my lucky stars because he decided to give me something instead of his kid. So now it's a sacrifice to do things with me. Hanging out with me and going places with me was ALWAYS a BIIIIIG sacrifice to him that I should have been grateful for. Nobody else had to be grateful for what they got cause they deserved it. But I didn't for some reason. I was always called unappreciative and ungrateful when I didn't believe I was important because I occasionally got what normal girlfriends got. So us doing normal things like going out to dinner or taking a walk or going to a movie was this big sacrifice when in the real world of normal healthy relationships, this is normal every day stuff couples do with each other. It's just life together. Everything is not something to be extremely grateful for.

I thought of something to add to my list:

44. Take care of me when I'm sick.