On Being the Step Parent

I've been thinking a lot about step parenting and what it means to different people. In One Tree Hill (it's okay to laugh that I'm referring to this as an actual example for anything), Peyton, who is in love with a single dad seems to embrace being a potential step mom in the most positive ways. She is so happy just to be with Jake and to have him there even if they get interrupted or he leaves her for months because of his daughter. I do not know how that would be possible really. But I can really relate to how she felt about Jake's daughter, Jenny. Aside from what the kid indirectly causes, after spending so much time with this child, you're bound to get attached.

That's one of the hardest parts of being a step parent or potential step parent. You run the gammet of emotions from wanting to be 100% there for your step child to running screaming for the hills because you feel rejected and on the outside. Often times, I wanted to be as important and involved as a bio parent. I wanted to be the one he called for in the middle of the night, the one who put the band aid on his knee, the one he asks for help and the one whose hand he holds to cross the street. Because you know those things mean as much to them as they do to you. I felt such joy when the three of us connected together like a family. When the laughter and fun were shared by all of us. But it was hard because as much as you wanted to be as important and comforting and joy inducing as their real parent, the child will never feel 100% the same. So it never felt right to feel those things. Especially if you felt rejected by the child because when they fell down and got hurt, they didn't run to you. I remember the worst days on the weekends with them were the times when I felt step child and I weren't connecting, for whatever reason. When he didn't want to hug me as much and didn't want me to sit on the floor and play with him as much as his dad. It actually had nothing to do with the way Hudson acted. He treated me basically the same every weekend. And I would never EVER admit that. I'd just withdraw and I would never tell anyone that those things actually were the reason for me feeling bad. Because it's so stupid, right? You're not their parent and you never will be, so just being a buddy should be good enough. And that kind of thinking will also lead you to run. It's that fear that you already are pretty sure you're second in the hearts of your mate and you'll be third at best in the heart of your step child. So where does that leave you? What are you? Who are you? You're not anybody. You're a substitute in every way. You're not mom, you're step mom. You're not the wife, you're the second wife. It starts to hurt because there's so many things you want to be to everyone who is special to you in your life and you can't achieve any of them. No matter how many peanut butter and jelly sandwiches you make, bedtime stories you read, or tearful hugs. And to your mate, you can never be good enough for them either. You could be perfect and still be nothing compared to the light that shines in their eyes for their kid. It's so sad and it's so scary. Because you want the joy of when things are good to last forever. That joy that made you change your mind about what you previously wanted. I never wanted a family, but being in one made me want one. I wanted to make one with them. And I actually entertained the idea of having my own kids. Our own kids. And believe me, it shocked me the most to think that I firmly believed I never wanted that, and all of a sudden I couldn't wait to have a family of our own. Crazy right? But it won't ever happen. Because my fears were realized. I really was an outsider. Not that I'm surprised.

But I guess now I have a clearer picture of what I really want out of life. Maybe kids aren't so bad. Maybe you don't have to hate your husband or wife just cause you have them. Cause the love you had for your husband or wife is what created those children. Or maybe I'm wrong, I dunno. I may never find out. Hopefully a house full of cats will do.