Today was one of the hardest days I've had in a really long time. I just got so depressed I really didn't feel like I could go on anymore. It was bad. I wanted someone to be there but there wasn't anyone. And when I really thought about it, I knew no one could make it better. I haven't had a day like this in a long time. Maybe even years. It was such a struggle to get up off the bed. I had too much to do though. But all I wanted to do was be under the covers and sleeping. I really felt like there was nothing in my future. Not like I was going to die, but like time would just stop and I'd disappear. Like what people thought would happen if you ventured to the end of the earth when they thought it was flat. I was so afraid. But so numb at the same time. I think I laid on my bed for an hour just staring at a television that wasn't even on. I don't think I've ever felt so alone in my whole life. And for the first time in a long time, I was not alright with that feeling. Being along to me usually represents safety and control which comforted me. But today it was the complete opposite. I didn't feel safe with myself. I was scared of my own feelings and what I might do. It threw me.

I really don't know what to do with myself. I don't know what to do with this hand I've been dealt. What am I supposed to do? Should I get on with my life and just forget the last few years? I thought I could do that but I'm not so sure anymore. I felt so okay until now. I'm really good at blocking my feelings when I want to. But I know deep down that they're going to surface any day now. And I'm going to be in the non-functional pathetic phase of all this. And yes, I will cry, and whine, and try to reach out to him in ways I never have before out of sheer desperation. The phase where you're not yourself. You're just a raw nerve; exposed, but you don't even care. I don't want to be there. Cause that's when your life is out of your control until you come out on the other side. Some people would say the other side is you getting over it and moving on. The other side where you're okay and you've made peace with it all. I'm not so sure that's what my other side is going to be.

I never thought that freedom would feel so suffocating. Yeah, I'm angry. I'm not sure why this keeps happening. I guess it's me. Or maybe it's them. Or maybe it's just bad luck. I'm so scared. I feel like right now I'm comfortably treading water but soon I'm going to sink and start drowning and there won't be anyone to pull me out. I feel close to death all the time. Right now the sun is going down and it feels like it's never going to come up again. Like this is a movie and it's fading to the credits. And the theater is full of people crying.

I keep hearing that nothing is a waste of time. That you learn from every experience. All I seem to learn that I'm not good enough, I try too hard, and that this feeling of running on a treadmill while everyone else runs a race will never go away. I want to forget it all. I want to forget that this ever happened. I want to erase the past 7 years completely. I want to start from the day before I saw his perfect face. And to take my life in a completely different direction. I've trashed or deleted everything that ever meant anything to me. No pictures, or gifts, or letters, or songs remain. There's no point in listening to the songs anymore. Who wants to replay blatant lies and shallow feelings over and over? Who wants to be reminded that you once were ensconced in a big fake production entitled "Your relationship".

I hate myself for being here. I hate myself for letting myself fall for this. I hate myself for answering that first email, for answering the text messages, for not running away that first day. I hate myself for once again thinking this person would be in my life forever. I did it again. I don't know why I feel so strong yet I believe so easily that someone will always be there? That they'll stay? Especially after all I've been through. I guess my experiences really didn't teach me anything. On the other hand, I guess I really did know that he'd do this. I always told him I knew. He always countered my feelings. I always temporarily felt reassured but it faded quickly. I guess my instincts were sharp and I knew something that I didn't know.

I want to take back so much. Every I love you, every kiss, every fuck. I want it all back. Every shard of my heart. I want it back. It seems like I have no heart left. I feel like a hollow, meaningless person. Which scares me. Because how do you replace your heart? You only get one right?

I remember one day while standing in our closet picking out a shirt or something and I secretly thanked God that I never again would feel the pain of someone leaving me. I wouldn't feel again the way I had felt before. That horrible blow of a break up. I was thankful I had found someone who I "knew" I'd be with a long time if not forever. That we wouldn't cry over losing each other. I hate when I'm wrong. I hate when I have moments where I am not strong and they blow up in my face. Now, I'm here. Where I have to go on long drives by myself in the car because I don't want my parents to hear me cry. That audible cry where you can't quietly sniff in the darkness where no one will know. But where you literally cry like a baby that just fell down. Where they are crying silently with their whole body until finally they left out the saddest, loudest sob. All I want is to cry in his arms. Have him hold me while I bury myself in his chest and just cry without thinking. Letting it all out. Just like a little kid. I never did that no matter how many times I wanted to. There's so many things I wanted to but never did because I was scared. I didn't get what I wanted because I never asked. Or I never let go enough to just be me, exposed.

I'll get over it. I always do. It just takes time, right? You just take it day by day and it does get worse before it gets better until one day you're okay. You can see them with the new girlfriend and you wonder only for a split second why it couldn't be you. But then it goes away as quickly as it came on. And you look over at the new guy who smiles that smile that begins the next few years of believing that this is the one you'll be worth it to.