Importance

I get very excited when I think about one day being important to someone. I'm really looking forward to it. My life has been so devoid of me feeling like I matter more than everything else for like years. I wanna feel like more than just wallpaper. I think some guys are just like that though. They can be wonderful friends and employees and excellent fathers, but to them their wives or girlfriends don't need to be any more than like a painting on the wall to them. It's a beautiful painting that he appreciates and admires most of the time. He passes by it every day, sees it out of the corner of his eye, and sometimes will stop and look at it. Stops to really appreciate it and take it in. But when he doesn't feel like doing that, it's still there, but unnoticeable, hanging on the wall waiting for the next time he feels like looking at it. And some women are content with being that. But I'm positive that I'm not. I feel like I've missed out on lots of things in the past few years. I spent my time watching my self esteem disappear when I could have mattered.
He just doesn't have it in him. He doesn't see girlfriends the way I see boyfriends. He can pour everything he has into his work or his hobbies. And sit for an hour with his son on his lap totally engrossed in coloring with crayons. And I really don't think he's ever been that locked into me; cared that much about what I wanted to do and was totally involved with just me. Not looking at the clock or checking his phone for messages from someone else, or packing up his things to leave. But I do know that there are guys out there who see partners the way I do. I'm certain of it. I've had it before. And it was nice having that security that if I needed something or if there was something important to me that I wanted to do, he'd be there for it. And I wouldn't always be the one who got pushed aside for something better.
I'm so sick of hearing just empty words. Telling someone they're important and then doing things that prove the complete opposite of what you're saying and get angry when they don't believe you? Makes no sense. Either you're a liar and you think I'm stupid enough to believe words without anything to back them up, or you're just clueless about women or me in particular. Or maybe it's just the whole disconnection of him wanting me to just be a painting when I want to be more than that. Like for example, I should be happy and GRATEFUL when he wants to take me to the aquarium when he could take his kid cause "he would really like it"; meaning I should be grateful to get things normal girlfriends get automatically because he has a kid and of course his kid should get first crack at things like that. I should never expect to get anything first because he has a kid. So if I happen to get something, I should thank my lucky stars because he decided to give me something instead of his kid. So now it's a sacrifice to do things with me. Hanging out with me and going places with me was ALWAYS a BIIIIIG sacrifice to him that I should have been grateful for. Nobody else had to be grateful for what they got cause they deserved it. But I didn't for some reason. I was always called unappreciative and ungrateful when I didn't believe I was important because I occasionally got what normal girlfriends got. So us doing normal things like going out to dinner or taking a walk or going to a movie was this big sacrifice when in the real world of normal healthy relationships, this is normal every day stuff couples do with each other. It's just life together. Everything is not something to be extremely grateful for.

I thought of something to add to my list:

44. Take care of me when I'm sick.

The List

I will probably revise this or add to it in future posts, but here's what I have so far,
Not in order of importance:

1. Vegan
2. Smoker
3. No serious baggage (Kids, previous marriages)
4. Wears clothes I think are cool
5. Great smile
6. Has dreams that include me
7. Simple life; cool job, flexible schedule, weekends free, etc
8. Good listener
9. Similar taste in music to me
10. Likes Rocky movies and Roseanne
11. Isn't a giant dork
12. Likes poetry
13. Emotional (shows emotion, not afraid to cry, gets upset when there's things to be upset about, seems sad when I'm gone, tells me he misses me, etc.)
14. Holds my hand
15. Loves animals and thinks kittens and puppies are cute and wants to pick up stray animals he sees on the road and says "awww" when he sees road kill.
16. Same political beliefs
17. Good in bed
18. Thinks my jokes are funny
19. Likes what I cook
20. Likes to be a homebody (rent movies, eat junk food, just hang out together)
21. Straight teeth
22. Has good parents that I really like and get along with who support our relationship
23. Gets along with my family
24. Has pictures of me on his fridge/screensaver/wallet/desk, you get the idea
25. There when I need him-Calls me when I tell him I'm having a bad day, asks me to come over when he can tell I need him
26. Makes me feel safe and protected
27. Makes me feel like his top priority
28. Makes time for me even when it's inconvenient, occasionally will blow someone ELSE off to hang out with me.
29. Tells me he loves me every day
30. Calls me/texts me even when he's busy
31. Likes to spend the holidays with me
32. Makes me laugh til my stomach hurts all the time
33. Makes me feel totally comfortable with him. Thinks my retardedness is cute
34. Will go with me to get my oil changed, helps me pump gas, opens doors for me, etc.
35. Doesn't drink excessively
36. Looks good naked
37. Honest
38. At least once will throw rocks at my bedroom window in the middle of the night to surprise me. (Or to say sorry after a fight, you know, whatever is cute)
39. Tells me I'm pretty in the morning.
40. Likes spending the day in bed sometimes
41. Brings me flowers.
42. Thinks cooking dinner together is super fun.
43. The usuals: Thoughtful, considerate, kind, patient, empathetic