Today was one of the hardest days I've had in a really long time. I just got so depressed I really didn't feel like I could go on anymore. It was bad. I wanted someone to be there but there wasn't anyone. And when I really thought about it, I knew no one could make it better. I haven't had a day like this in a long time. Maybe even years. It was such a struggle to get up off the bed. I had too much to do though. But all I wanted to do was be under the covers and sleeping. I really felt like there was nothing in my future. Not like I was going to die, but like time would just stop and I'd disappear. Like what people thought would happen if you ventured to the end of the earth when they thought it was flat. I was so afraid. But so numb at the same time. I think I laid on my bed for an hour just staring at a television that wasn't even on. I don't think I've ever felt so alone in my whole life. And for the first time in a long time, I was not alright with that feeling. Being along to me usually represents safety and control which comforted me. But today it was the complete opposite. I didn't feel safe with myself. I was scared of my own feelings and what I might do. It threw me.

I really don't know what to do with myself. I don't know what to do with this hand I've been dealt. What am I supposed to do? Should I get on with my life and just forget the last few years? I thought I could do that but I'm not so sure anymore. I felt so okay until now. I'm really good at blocking my feelings when I want to. But I know deep down that they're going to surface any day now. And I'm going to be in the non-functional pathetic phase of all this. And yes, I will cry, and whine, and try to reach out to him in ways I never have before out of sheer desperation. The phase where you're not yourself. You're just a raw nerve; exposed, but you don't even care. I don't want to be there. Cause that's when your life is out of your control until you come out on the other side. Some people would say the other side is you getting over it and moving on. The other side where you're okay and you've made peace with it all. I'm not so sure that's what my other side is going to be.